Relationship Check‑In Questions, Guided and Free

How does the guided check-in work?

1. Pick how long. Quick (5 minutes), weekly (15) or monthly (30, with a bigger picture part about money, plans and dreams).
2. Pick your stage. Together a while, new couple, married, parents, or long distance. Some questions change to fit, and new couples get a gentler "one honest thing" part.
3. Look at this week's agenda. One question per part, new every Monday. Swap any question you do not like, then tap Send so your partner opens the exact same agenda on their phone, handy on a video call.
4. Start. Each part has a short how to, the question, and a timer ring with a soft chime. Take turns: the tool says who goes first. Light week? Skip the hard part.
5. Finish with a plan. Write down one thing to try. Your connection scores and the plan are saved on your phone, so next week you see the trend and what you agreed.

Add a weekly reminder to your calendar in one tap, or print this week's template to use at the table.

A simple weekly check-in agenda

This is the order the weekly version follows. It works as a marriage meeting agenda too.

1. Warm up, 2 minutes. How connected do you each feel, 1 to 10? One light question.
2. Appreciation, 3 minutes. Each of you names specific things the other did this week. The listener just says thank you.
3. What went well, 2 minutes. The wins, even tiny ones.
4. One hard thing, 4 minutes. One topic. Start with "I felt ... when ..." and end with what you need. The listener repeats it back before answering.
5. Coming week, 3 minutes. Each of you asks for one concrete thing.
6. One thing to try, 1 minute. Agree on it and write it down.

Why appreciation first? The Gottman Institute, which suggests a similar weekly talk it calls a State of the Union meeting, recommends opening with appreciations because noticing the good first lowers the tension and makes the hard part easier.

Tips for a check-in that actually helps

• Same time every week. Sunday evening and a quiet weekday lunch are popular. A ritual you do not have to plan is a ritual that lasts.
• One hard thing, not five. A check-in is not the place to settle everything. Pick one topic and leave the rest for next week.
• Talk about yourself, not about them. "I felt lonely on Tuesday" is easier to hear than "You ignored me on Tuesday".
• Keep it short. Fifteen minutes that happen every week beat an hour that happens twice a year.
• End on a plan. One small thing to try, written down, makes the next check-in easier to start.

Feeling stuck rather than just busy? Take our are we in a rut quiz. Want more to talk about between check-ins? Try our questions to ask your partner or the 36 questions to fall in love.

All 158 check-in questions

The guided check-in picks one from each list every week. Use them on their own if you prefer a list.

Warm up

1. What was the best moment of your week?
2. What is one word for how this week felt?
3. When did you feel most like yourself this week?
4. What gave you energy this week, and what drained it?
5. What is something small that made you smile in the last few days?
6. How did you sleep this week, honestly?
7. What is taking up the most room in your head right now?
8. Rose, thorn and bud: one good thing, one hard thing, one thing you are looking forward to.
9. What surprised you this week?
10. If this week were weather, what would it be?
11. What are you proud of yourself for this week?
12. What did you need more of this week: rest, fun, help or space?
13. What was the funniest thing that happened to you this week?
14. Which day this week felt best, and why?
15. What is one thing you did just for you this week?
16. How full is your social battery right now, from empty to full?
17. What is one thing you learned this week, big or small?
18. Where did you feel stressed in your body this week?
19. What song, show or thing kept you company this week?
20. What do you want to leave behind from this week?
21. What was the best part of our calls this week? (long distance)
22. How did the kids or the house shape your week? (parents)

Appreciation

1. Name three things your partner did this week that you appreciated. Be specific.
2. What is one moment this week when your partner made your life easier?
3. What did your partner do this week that you did not say thank you for?
4. What is something your partner did this week that reminded you why you chose them?
5. Which small habit of your partner’s did you love this week?
6. When did you feel looked after this week?
7. What is one way your partner showed up for you, even in a small way?
8. What is something your partner is doing well right now that they might not notice?
9. What did your partner say this week that stuck with you?
10. What effort did you see from your partner this week that went unseen by others?
11. When did your partner make you laugh this week?
12. What quality of your partner’s helped you this week?
13. Finish this sentence three times: I loved it when you...
14. What is one thing your partner did this week that you want more of?
15. What did your partner handle this week that you were glad you did not have to?
16. What is one thing you admire about how your partner handled a hard moment?
17. Which text or message from your partner made your day?
18. What did your partner do this week that made you feel chosen?
19. Thank your partner for one thing from this week and one thing from long ago.
20. What is something about your partner you appreciate more now than when you met?
21. When did you feel proud of your partner this week?
22. What is a tiny thing your partner does that you would miss if it stopped?
23. What did your partner do this week that made the distance feel smaller? (long distance)
24. What did your partner do with or for the kids that you noticed? (parents)
25. What is something your partner did this month that made you like them more? (new couples)

What went well

1. What went well for us as a couple this week?
2. When did we feel like a team this week?
3. What is one thing we handled better than we used to?
4. What was our best moment together this week?
5. Which plan or routine worked well for us this week?
6. When did we really talk this week, not just about logistics?
7. What is something we did this week that we should do again?
8. Where did we split the load well this week?
9. When did we make each other laugh this week?
10. What disagreement did we handle well this week?
11. What is one thing about how we live together that is working right now?
12. When did you feel close to me this week?
13. What did we say yes to this week that was worth it?
14. What did we say no to this week that protected us?
15. Which evening this week felt most like us?
16. What did we get done together that felt good?
17. What is a small win for us this week?
18. When did you feel heard by me this week?
19. What is one way we supported each other’s goals this week?
20. What part of our week would you keep exactly the same?
21. Which call or message this week felt closest? (long distance)
22. What went well with the kids this week, thanks to both of us? (parents)
23. What is something new we did together this month that you liked? (new couples)

One hard thing

1. What is one thing that bothered you this week? Start with "I felt..."
2. Was there a moment this week when you felt alone in this relationship?
3. What is something you wanted from me this week but did not ask for?
4. What is one thing that felt unfair this week?
5. Was there a moment you held back from saying something? What was it?
6. What is one small thing that has been bugging you lately?
7. When did you feel unheard this week?
8. What stressed you about us this week, even a little?
9. Is there anything from a past argument that still feels unfinished?
10. What is one thing you would do differently if we could redo this week?
11. When did you feel taken for granted, if at all?
12. What is one thing about our routine that is not working?
13. Where did we miss each other this week?
14. What is a worry about us that you have not said out loud?
15. What made you feel distant from me this week?
16. What is one thing I said or did that stung, even if I did not mean it?
17. Where do you feel we are out of balance right now?
18. What is one thing outside us (work, family, friends) that is putting pressure on us?
19. Was there a moment this week when you needed space and did not get it?
20. What topic do we keep avoiding?
21. When did the distance feel hardest this week? (long distance)
22. Where did the kids or the house squeeze out time for us? (parents)
23. Is there anything about how fast or slow we are moving that worries you? (new couples)
24. What is one small thing you would like more of from me? (new couples)
25. Was there a moment this month when you were not sure what I meant? (new couples)

Coming week

1. What is one thing you need from me next week?
2. What would make next week 10% easier for you?
3. What is one way I can show you love next week?
4. What do you need more of next week: time together, time alone, help or fun?
5. Is there a day next week that will be hard for you? How can I help?
6. What is one thing you would like me to take off your plate?
7. What kind of support helps you most when you are stressed: advice, a hug or listening?
8. What is one small ritual you would like us to keep next week?
9. How do you want to spend our free time next week?
10. What is one thing you would like me to ask you about during the week?
11. What do you need from me when you come home or call after a hard day?
12. What is one thing you would like more of in the bedroom or in affection?
13. What is one thing you would like us to stop doing for a while?
14. Who do you need to see next week, together or alone?
15. What would make you feel more appreciated next week?
16. Is there something you need help planning or deciding?
17. How much alone time do you need next week?
18. What would a perfect evening together next week look like?
19. What can I do to make mornings or evenings easier for you?
20. What is one thing I can do that would make you feel close to me?
21. When should our longer call be next week, and what should we do on it? (long distance)
22. Which evening next week is ours, after the kids are asleep? (parents)
23. What would you like us to try together next month? (new couples)

Bigger picture (monthly)

1. Where do you want us to be a year from now?
2. What is one dream you have that we have not talked about in a while?
3. How do you feel about money right now, for you and for us?
4. What is one thing you want to learn or try in the next few months?
5. How are you feeling about work or school right now?
6. What do you want our home to feel like?
7. How are we doing on time with friends and family?
8. Is there a big decision coming up that we should start talking about?
9. What is one tradition you want to start this year?
10. How is our sex life and affection for you, on a scale of 1 to 10, and why?
11. What does a good weekend look like for you right now?
12. What is one trip or experience you want us to plan?
13. Are we spending our money in a way that matches what we care about?
14. What would you like to change about how we handle chores?
15. How do you want us to celebrate our next milestone?
16. What is one thing about us you never want to change?
17. What is something we used to do that you miss?
18. How are you, really? Not the busy answer.
19. What is one health goal you want my support with?
20. How do you want to grow as a person this year, and how can I help?
21. What are we saying yes to that we should say no to?
22. What is one thing on our shared to do list we keep postponing?
23. What is our plan to close the distance, and what is the next step? (long distance)
24. How do you feel about how we share parenting right now? (parents)
25. What would you like us to know about each other by the six month mark? (new couples)

One thing to try

1. One thing we will try this week, small enough to actually do.
2. Pick one date or one hour that is just ours this week.
3. Choose one chore to swap or share this week.
4. Agree on one phone-free time each day this week.
5. Plan one new thing to do together before next check-in.
6. Choose one way to say thank you more often this week.
7. Pick a small surprise for each other this week.
8. Agree on how we will pause a fight if it heats up this week.
9. Pick one thing to look forward to together.
10. Set one shared goal for the week and how we will know it worked.
11. Choose one friend or family moment to plan together.
12. Agree on one thing each of us will take off the other’s plate.
13. Pick a question to ask each other every night this week.
14. Pick one game to play together this week.
15. Choose a bedtime or wake up ritual to try together.

Is my relationship healthy? The 20 statement health check

The health check tab is for the moments when a weekly talk is not enough and you want a fuller picture. You each rate 20 statements from very true to not true at all, on one phone with the answers hidden, or each on your own phone by link. The result shows a score per area for each of you, where you see things the same way, and three conversations to start with.

Connection

• I feel close to my partner most days.
• We know what is going on in each other’s lives right now.
• I feel like a priority to my partner.
• We talk about more than logistics.

Fun

• We laugh together often.
• We still try new things together.
• We have time for fun, not just chores and tasks.

Conflict and repair

• When we argue, we can calm down and come back to it.
• After a fight, one of us reaches out and the other accepts it.
• Arguments do not turn into insults or eye rolls.
• I can bring up a problem without fear of how my partner will react.

Teamwork

• Chores and the mental load feel fairly shared.
• We make big decisions together.
• We back each other up with family and friends.

Appreciation

• I feel appreciated for what I do.
• We say thank you for small things.
• My partner notices when I make an effort.

Intimacy

• I am happy with how much affection we share.
• We can talk about sex and what we each want.
• I feel wanted by my partner.

Questions to ask a couples therapist before you start

If a check-in keeps getting stuck on the same topic, a couples therapist can help. Before you book, it is fair to ask: How do you work with couples, and what does a typical session look like? How many sessions do couples usually need? What happens if one of us wants to stop? How do you handle it if one of us feels you are taking sides? What does it cost, and is any of it covered?

What are the limits?

• The check-in and the health check are conversation tools, not therapy and not a diagnosis.
• Everything is saved on this phone only (scores, your plan, your settings). Nothing goes to a server. A health check link carries the answers inside it.
• If you feel afraid of your partner, a check-in is not the right tool. Contact loveisrespect.org.

Still dating, or planning something fun after the check-in? Try our date night ideas at home.