200 Deep Questions to Ask Your Partner to Feel Closer

Deep questions to ask your partner are ones that get past "how was your day" and into how they think, feel and hope. Below are 200 original questions in eight groups: their inner world, childhood and family, love and intimacy, values, your relationship, conflict and repair, the future, and deep "what if" questions. Use the random picker at the top, or pick the group that fits tonight.

These are written for any couple: boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, new or long-term. If you've been together for years, don't skip them. People change, and the answers you heard on date three may not be true anymore.

Why should you ask your partner deep questions?

Because it works better than most people expect. Three findings worth knowing:

• Closeness can build on purpose. In a 1997 study, psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues had pairs of strangers ask each other 36 questions that got more personal step by step. They ended up feeling closer than pairs who asked each other small-talk questions instead (Greater Good in Action, UC Berkeley). You can try the full set on our 36 questions to fall in love page.
• Deep talk is less awkward than you fear. In 12 experiments with more than 1,800 people, researchers found that people expected deep conversations to be more awkward and less enjoyable than they really were. They also thought the other person would care less about going deep than they did (American Psychological Association, 2021).
• Knowing your partner's inner world matters. Couples researcher John Gottman found that happy couples keep a detailed "love map" of each other's worries, hopes and history. He also noticed couples tend to stop updating it as the years go by (The Gottman Institute).

How do you ask deep questions without it getting heavy?

1. Pick the right time. Not during a fight, not when one of you is about to sleep. A walk, a long drive or a slow evening is perfect.
2. Warm up first. The 36 questions study started light and got deeper. Do the same: one fun question, then one from the lists below.
3. Both answer. Take turns. If you ask something personal, be ready to share your own answer too.
4. Follow up instead of jumping ahead. "What was that like?" or "Why do you think that stuck with you?" matters more than the next question. Follow-up questions are linked to being liked more (Huang et al., 2017).
5. Let "pass" be OK. Some questions touch old pain. A pass isn't a problem. Come back to it later if they want.
6. Don't use answers as ammo. What they share in a deep talk should never show up in your next argument.

Inside the Cupie app

8 deeper questions straight from Cupie

Word for word from the Get Deep deck in Cupie (Deeper). The deck has 131 cards.

• DeeperWhen did you feel the greatest sense of accomplishment?
• DeeperIf you could experience something again for the first time, what would it be and why?
• DeeperHow much money would you need to consider yourself rich?
• DeeperIn a conflict, do you want to talk it out right away, or take time to calm down first?
• DeeperWhat moment do you get nostalgic about? Why?
• DeeperWhen in your life were you the happiest, and why?
• DeeperWhat do you spend the most time thinking about? Why?
• DeeperIf you could have a video of any moment in your life, which would you pick? Why?

Deep questions about your partner's inner world

These help you learn how your partner sees themselves: their fears, pride and the stuff they don't usually say.

1. What's a thought you have often but rarely share?
2. What are you most afraid people will find out about you?
3. When do you feel like you're pretending?
4. What's the kindest thing you've ever done that nobody knows about?
5. Which feeling is hardest for you to show: sadness, anger or fear?
6. What do you do to calm yourself down when nobody's around?
7. What's a part of yourself you're still learning to like?
8. When did you last surprise yourself?
9. What's something you're quietly working on in yourself right now?
10. What makes you feel small, and what makes you feel big?
11. What's one thing you wish you were braver about?
12. What does your inner voice say when you make a mistake?
13. Which compliment is hardest for you to believe?
14. What do you think is your best quality that you don't get credit for?
15. What drains your energy faster than people realize?
16. What's a memory you go back to when you need comfort?
17. What part of your day feels most like "you"?
18. What are you still curious about that you were curious about as a kid?
19. When do you feel most alive?
20. What's something you've changed your mind about in the last year?
21. What's a question you wish more people asked you?
22. How do you know when you're truly happy, not just okay?
23. What are you holding on to that you'd like to let go of?
24. What scares you about getting older?
25. What would you want people to say about you when you're not in the room?

Deep questions about childhood and family

So much of how we love comes from how we grew up. Go slow here. Some people have easy answers, others don't.

1. What's your happiest memory from before you were ten?
2. How did your family show love, and how did they show anger?
3. What role did you play in your family: the funny one, the peacekeeper, the rebel?
4. What did you need as a kid that you didn't get?
5. Which adult made you feel truly seen growing up?
6. What's something your parents did that you want to do the same way?
7. What's something they did that you want to do differently?
8. How did your family talk about money?
9. Was it OK to cry in your house growing up?
10. What's a family story that gets told at every holiday?
11. When did you first feel like an adult?
12. What did you learn about relationships by watching your parents or caregivers?
13. Which sibling, cousin or friend felt like your partner in crime?
14. What did a typical dinner look like at your house?
15. What were you most proud of as a teenager?
16. What's something from your childhood you've never told me about?
17. How do you feel when you visit your hometown now?
18. What did "home" smell or sound like when you were little?
19. What's one thing about your upbringing you've made peace with?
20. How has your relationship with your parents changed since you were a kid?
21. Who in your family do you think understands you best?
22. What did you do when you felt alone as a kid?
23. Which family rule did you secretly break the most?
24. What do you hope you passed on, or will pass on, from your family?
25. What's a moment you saw your parents as real people, not just parents?

Deep questions about love and intimacy

About closeness, feeling wanted and how each of you likes to be loved. Emotional, not explicit.

1. When do you feel most loved by me?
2. How did your idea of love change from your first relationship to now?
3. What makes you feel truly wanted?
4. Is it easier for you to give love or to receive it?
5. What's a way I could show love that you'd like more of?
6. When do you feel closest to me without saying a word?
7. What did you learn about yourself from past relationships?
8. What does trust feel like in your body?
9. What's something you're nervous to ask me for?
10. When have you felt most vulnerable with me?
11. How do you like to reconnect after we've been busy or apart?
12. What does physical affection mean to you on a hard day?
13. What's a romantic gesture that would mean more to you than any gift?
14. What makes you feel safe enough to be fully yourself with me?
15. Do you ever feel lonely in our relationship? When?
16. What's one thing about us you never want to lose?
17. How do you know when I'm really listening?
18. What's a small ritual that makes you feel close to me?
19. When did you first say "I love you" in your head before saying it out loud?
20. How do you want to keep romance alive as we get older?
21. What's a part of you that you think I haven't fully met yet?
22. What does "being chosen" mean to you?
23. Which of your love habits came from your family?
24. What's the most loved you've ever felt?
25. What's one thing you'd like us to be more open about?

If you want a quick way to compare how you each give and receive love, take our free love language quiz together.

Deep questions about values and beliefs

Values shape your choices: how you spend money, time and energy. It's normal not to match on everything. What matters is understanding why.

1. What three values matter most to you, in order?
2. What's something you'd never do, even for a lot of money?
3. How do you decide what's right when the rules aren't clear?
4. What does being a good person mean to you?
5. What role does faith or spirituality play in your life?
6. What's a cause you care about more than most people realize?
7. How do you define success, and has it changed?
8. What's one thing you'd spend money on without guilt?
9. How important is honesty when the truth hurts?
10. What do you owe your family, and what don't you owe them?
11. What's a value you got from your parents that you've kept?
12. What's a value you've had to unlearn?
13. How do you feel about asking for help?
14. Which matters more to you: freedom or security?
15. What does a fair split of work at home look like to you?
16. How do you want to give back over your life?
17. What's a belief you'd defend even if everyone disagreed?
18. When do you think it's OK to break a promise?
19. What makes a friendship worth keeping when it gets hard?
20. How do you feel about forgiveness: is everything forgivable?
21. What does "enough" look like for you: money, stuff, success?
22. Which matters more to you, being right or being close?
23. What's a small daily choice that shows what you value?
24. How do you want to treat people who can't do anything for you?
25. What do you hope people learn from how we treat each other?

Deep questions about your relationship

A gentle check-in. Many couples ask a few of these every month. Listen for patterns, not one-off complaints.

1. What's the best part of us right now?
2. What's something we used to do that you miss?
3. Is there anything you've been holding back from telling me?
4. When did you feel most proud to be with me?
5. What's one thing I do that makes you feel taken for granted?
6. How well do you think we balance time together and time apart?
7. What's a hard time we went through that made us stronger?
8. What do you think we understand about each other that others don't?
9. Where do you feel we're growing apart, even a little?
10. What's a moment you felt I really showed up for you?
11. What do you need from me this month?
12. How has being with me changed you?
13. What's one thing you wish I asked you about more often?
14. Do you feel like we share the mental load fairly?
15. What's a goal you'd like us to have as a couple this year?
16. When do you feel like we're on the same team?
17. Which of our habits as a couple would you like to change?
18. How can I make it easier for you to bring up hard topics?
19. What did you think love would look like, and how does ours compare?
20. What's something you've forgiven me for that I might not know about?
21. What's a part of our story you'd love to tell our future selves?
22. What does "a good week" for us look like?
23. How do you feel after we spend a whole day together?
24. What's something you'd like to celebrate about us more?
25. If our relationship had a theme song right now, what would it be?

Deep questions about conflict and repair

Every couple argues. These questions help you argue better, and make up faster. Ask them on a calm day, never mid-fight.

1. How did your family handle fights when you were growing up?
2. When we argue, what do you wish I understood in the moment?
3. Do you need space after a fight, or do you need to talk it out right away?
4. What's a sign that you're starting to shut down?
5. What's the best way for me to apologize to you?
6. Which of our fights do you think we never fully finished?
7. What words or tone make you feel attacked?
8. What helps you calm down when you're upset with me?
9. How can we tell the difference between a small issue and a big one?
10. What do you need to hear after a fight to feel OK again?
11. When have you felt I really listened during a disagreement?
12. What's a pattern in our arguments you'd like us to break?
13. Is there a topic we avoid because it always turns into a fight?
14. How do you feel when I bring up something that bothers me?
15. What would a "time out" signal between us look like?
16. What's one thing you'd like us to agree never to say in a fight?
17. How do you show you're sorry when words are hard?
18. What part of conflict are you still learning to handle?
19. When did a fight end up bringing us closer?
20. What do you need from me when you're the one who messed up?

Deep questions about the future

Dream together first, plan second. These show where your paths line up and where you'll need to talk more.

1. What's a dream you've had for years but never acted on?
2. What do you want more of in the next five years, and less of?
3. Where do you see us living when we're 60?
4. How do you feel about kids now, and has that changed?
5. What kind of work would make you proud at the end of your career?
6. What's a risk you'd like to take before it's too late?
7. How do you want to care for our parents as they get older?
8. What does financial safety look like for you?
9. What legacy do you want to leave?
10. Which big decisions do you want us to make together, and which alone?
11. What scares you most about the future of us?
12. How do you picture a normal Tuesday ten years from now?
13. What's a place you want to grow old in?
14. What would you do with a year where you didn't have to work?
15. How do you want our friendships to fit into our life later on?
16. What's one thing you hope never changes about us?
17. What do you want to have learned by the end of your life?
18. If we had to move across the world for one of us, how would we decide?
19. What's a new tradition you want to start this year?
20. What's one promise you'd like to make to future us?

Deep "what if" questions for couples

Hypotheticals are a fun back door into big topics. Your partner's answer often says more than a direct question would. Want lighter ones? Try our would you rather questions for couples.

1. If you could know the exact date of your death, would you want to?
2. If you could relive one day of your life, which one?
3. If you had one year left, how would you spend it?
4. If you could talk to one person who has died, who would it be and what would you ask?
5. If you could erase one memory, would you? Which one?
6. If we met for the first time today, do you think we'd still end up together?
7. If you could change one decision you made, what would it be?
8. If you woke up tomorrow with one new quality, what would you want it to be?
9. If your house was on fire and everyone was safe, what one thing would you save?
10. If you could read my mind for one day, would you want to?
11. If you could live in any time in history, when?
12. If you could send one message to your younger self, what would it say?
13. If money and fear weren't a thing, what would you do next week?
14. If you could see a highlight reel of our future, would you watch it?
15. If you could give everyone in the world one feeling for one day, which feeling?
16. If you had to describe your life so far as a book, what would the chapters be called?
17. If you could ask the universe one question and get a true answer, what would you ask?
18. If we swapped lives for a week, what would surprise you most?
19. If you could keep only one of our memories, which one?
20. If you could be famous for one thing, what would you want it to be?
21. If you could learn the truth about one thing, what would it be?
22. If you never had to sleep again, what would you do with the extra hours?
23. If you could have dinner with your future self, what would you ask?
24. If you had to live by one rule for the rest of your life, what would it be?
25. If you could make one problem in the world disappear, which one?
26. If we wrote a letter to open on our tenth anniversary, what would you put in it?
27. If you could go back and watch any moment of your life as a bystander, which one?
28. If you could have any job for one day, which one?
29. If you had to move to another country tomorrow, where and why?
30. If you could ask me anything and I had to answer honestly, what would you ask?
31. If you could give your past self permission to do one thing, what would it be?
32. If you could freeze one age forever, which one and why?
33. If one of us had to live far away for a year, how would we keep it strong?
34. If you could master one skill overnight, what would it be?
35. If love had a color for you, what would it be?

Which deep questions fit your situation?

Can you ask your partner deep questions over a video call?

Yes, and for long-distance couples it's often the best way. Text loses tone, and deep answers need a face. Cupie is a free video-call app for couples where you call your partner and play together live, synced on both phones. It includes the Get Deeper, Get Romantic, Get Silly and Get Spicy question decks, a Get Closer game, and 239 quizzes, plus games like Chess, Pool and Minigolf for when you want a break from the deep stuff.

As of October 2026, Cupie has 4.8 stars on both the App Store and Google Play, on iPhone (iOS 15+) and Android. Both of you need the app, and it's made for video calls, so there's no text chat yet. For more ways to stay close, see our long distance relationship games and best long distance relationship apps.

"me and my partner are long distance with me being in the military and we downloaded this yesterday and it was brilliant." - App Store review (UK)

Prefer the gendered versions? We also have questions to ask your boyfriend and questions to ask your girlfriend.