Relationship Values Quiz and Deal-Breakers List

This free relationship values card sort helps you find what you really need and build your deal-breakers list. Sort 33 value cards into Must have, Nice to have and Less important. Must have holds only 6 cards, so you have to choose. Then mark up to 3 real deal-breakers and send the link to your partner. They sort the same cards on their phone, and you both see the values you share, your biggest differences and any deal-breaker that clashes, with a question to start each conversation.

How does the card sort work?

1. Sort the cards. One value at a time: honesty, kids, exclusivity, money, faith, where to live and 27 more. Tap a pile, swipe (right for Must have, left for Less important), or press 1, 2 or 3.
2. Choose. If Must have is full, the tool asks you to swap one out. That moment of choosing is where you learn the most.
3. Pick deal-breakers. Up to 3 must-haves you could not live without in a partner. None is fine too.
4. Compare. Tap Send to your partner. Your sort travels in the link, with no account and nothing on a server.

Your last sort stays on your phone, and you can tap any card on your board to move it later.

Why a card sort and not a rating quiz?

Ask people to rate values from 1 to 10 and almost everything gets an 8 or a 9. Honesty, family and kindness all sound important, so a rating tells you little. A limited Must have pile forces a trade-off, the same way real life does: time, money and energy run out. It also makes the comparison with your partner much more honest.

Common relationship deal-breakers

A deal-breaker is something that, on its own, would make you end or not start a relationship. Everyone's list is different, and a list made alone is only a draft. Common ones people name:

• Different answers on kids. One wants children, the other does not.
• Dishonesty or cheating. Lying about big things, or breaking the agreement you have.
• Disrespect. Contempt, name-calling, or putting you down in front of others.
• Control. Checking your phone, limiting your friends, or managing your money without you. If this sounds familiar, talk to someone you trust or a domestic violence hotline.
• Very different money habits that one person cannot live with, like hidden debt.
• Faith or core beliefs that one of you needs to share with a partner.
• Where to live. One will never leave their city, the other has to.
• Substance use that is out of control or hidden.
• No effort. Never making time, never planning, never meeting halfway.
• Not wanting the same kind of relationship, like commitment versus keeping it casual.

Some of these are about values (honesty, respect, faith) and some are about life plans (kids, where to live). The card sort covers the big ones, including kids or staying child-free, marriage, exclusivity, smoking, money habits, moving in and where to live. For everyday habits, plans and money in more detail, try the couples compatibility test.

What if we have different values?

Almost every couple does. A difference on a Nice to have rarely matters. A difference where one person put a value in Must have and the other in Less important is worth a real talk, and a deal-breaker clash is worth talking about soon. Often the same word means different things to two people: "family" can mean Sunday dinners for one and having kids for the other. Start with the question the tool gives you for each difference.

More ways to get to know each other: the attachment style quiz for couples, the love language quiz, questions to ask your partner and the 36 questions to fall in love.

What are the limits?

• It is a conversation tool, not a test with a right answer. Your values can change as your life changes, so sort again in a year.
• 33 cards cannot cover everything. If something important is missing, add it to your talk.
• The link holds your sort. Only send it to your partner.
• If you feel unsafe or controlled in a relationship, talk to someone you trust or a support line.